I don’t know if you are interested in reading my struggles. Everyone has their own struggles to embrace and fight. But as I have said earlier, my page, my say! And this particular series is completely about me writing without any edits, backspace or organization of thoughts.
I have never been a lean kid. I have been chubby, and I grew up to be a chubby adult. I lost all the weight I had during my mid-20s. But in the past year, I have become my fattest. Even though I am not a person who indulges in body-shaming, I am brutal when it comes to myself.
We have been conditioned to think that thin is one of the major parameters of being attractive, as a personality is being thin. And I can not look beyond that. I have realized that my confidence has gone down. I am sure my sitting at home for almost two years has contributed to it. But the heaviest of all time, Sushmita has a major role to play in it.
You can come up with 1000s of quotes about self-worth and make hundreds of commercials about embracing one’s inner beauty to make society more empathetic. But you can not help every individual dealing with it. Ages of conditioning, toxic familial comment and biases can not clear or cure bulimia, anorexia, train of thoughts about self-doubts and self-hatred.
I could finally see myself fighting my creative block, come with ideas to execute everything beautifully and be happy. But when I decide to show my face to the world – I CAN NOT DO IT. And it has nothing to do with the social media world. I have been a part of it for a very long time, and nothing can result in lowering my confidence. But I don’t like to see my pictures – no matter how much I love myself. And I love myself.
And I am so self aware that I know what all I have to do. I just can not gather myself to do it all. I am not even sure how can I pull myself up. I am in that phase of my life where I see myself as a doubtful damsel in distress. I don’t even know if I am of any good. Okay, I will stop now – this might just get too morbid!