This is not a story about my struggle. Period.
When I sat down to write for free write last week, I was really apprehensive if I could even keep up with this space on the first Monday of the year. Let’s be honest – I have a lot of work lined up, and I have not been a very active entrepreneur lately! Of course, I know what I have to do and make sure that things get done on time, and I put my best foot forward, I somehow know that I need to work harder.
But coming here and writing down this piece of whatever, second Monday in a row is a big relief and an achievement on its own. I can definitely keep up with the things I promise (to myself), which is a big enough reason to celebrate!
Honestly, I am doing better than what I thought I could do. But is that enough? No, I am not talking about imposter syndrome. Let’s keep it for next week. I am talking about the pattern in life – you want something, struggle hard, get it, and struggle even hard to keep it with you. It can be the love of your life, your professional success or your personal peace of mind.
Even though nothing in life comes easy but when things keep on happening because you have worked so hard in the past to deserve it all, you take your own sweet time to come to terms with the fact that it’s happening. However, to accept all of it is the mental task. Personally, I am so used to pushing myself hard that if I get anything without putting in much of an effort, I get sick.
I still can not wrap my head around that I am married to this guy who can be the most amazing partner without any competition. Though I know if I have him, I deserve him – that is how the universe works, but I constantly doubt myself. Four years of knowing him- one year of casual hook-ups, one year of dating and two years of marriage – I am still looking for my share of struggle to keep this relationship working. I don’t have to do anything. It is so effortless, or it has always looked effortless to me. This is completely different from what I had in my past – pining for attention and love at every step of the relationship. I might be in a really screwed up relationship, but I was convinced that fairytales and effortless relationships are a work of fiction.
Similarly, when I left my corporate job and decided to work full time as a blogger/freelance writer, I was full of doubts. But I struggled and worked for way less than my worth to get hold of this new world. But now, when I am reaping the benefits of those efforts, I cannot accept it. So much of so, that I spend most of my time contemplating the fact that if I deserve it all?
This habit of struggling and then only “enjoying” the results is a very unhealthy practice. It literally ruined me in 2020. Why? Because I have always “worked up” my way for a happier and satisfactory life. Now, when in 2020 things were completely out of my control and putting up all that work did not really help a lot, I started being sad for no reason and completely ignoring the blessings I had.
I don’t know if that made sense at all. But it had helped me clear my mind. This is the magic of free write.
Off I go. to work – not to struggle but to work!