Of Chaos, Anxiety and Panic Attacks.

Is it an anxiety attack? No. I was blank. I was not thinking about anything-anything to stress about. Is it a panic attack? I don’t know. 

This is not the story of just Tuesdays but all other days of my life. It happens at any time of the day. ANY TIME. And I am not enjoying them. I don’t like this space that is engulfing me in the darkness. But I feel so helpless. There is so much chaos in my head. People say I should reach out and talk to people. But I don’t know where should I start from. And even if I figure that out, I fear that I might just break down. Break down so bad that there is no looking back.

I don’t like these sudden attacks which make me feel like a completely vulnerable and dependent creature. I don’t like the struggle of dealing with these attacks alone. I don’t like to hide what I am going through. I don’t want to show that either. I just want them to stop.
Am I overthinking? Is it just a phase? Life is never a bed of roses, so should I just stay calm and let things fall into place? No. I have been doing all these for so long now that I have become too immune to them.

I somehow have this feeling that I am not alone. Of course, I am not. We all have our own sets of troubles which we don’t show. Some of us deal with them. Some of us can not. That doesn’t make anyone weak. To many, my life is perfect. To me, it is perfect too. But then, why am I too chaotic to control? Why do I have to pull off this drama?

Well, whoever said that having the possessions which give you the worldly pleasures are more important than mental peace, he/she was wrong at so many levels. If your life, at any point in time, makes you feel incomplete, you know you are going wrong somewhere.

Escaping everything seems like the best solution. But is it? Even during those escapes, the fear of being alone and paranoid breaks you from inside. Anxiety makes you do things or say things which you would never say or do.  Anxiety pushes you down into that never-ending pit of guilt. The guilt of not being strong enough to help yourself. But that is not true. Every step you take to make yourself feel comfortable, even if it fails, is the sign of you being strong.

It can be exhausting. It is indeed. It is demotivating. It is so demotivating that it effects you in everything you do. But you don’t feel like doing anything about it because nothing seems worth. And this battle of picking yourself up to motivate yourself is a battle that you have to fight with yourself.

Anxiety issues are never good for a relationship. It is a struggle to communicate your hows and whys to your other half.

It is hard to communicate with my other half and it makes my head act up. Sometimes, my attacks are triggered by him without him knowing. Or even without me knowing. I struggle with those fears of losing out on someone important because of something over which I don’t have control. I love him – for his patience and everything else. I know I can’t take him for granted. But I can not deal with my issues either. I can not justify my indifference or lack of emotions because there are no reasons. 


Finding a support system is difficult but not impossible. Family and friends are there. Reaching out to them is possible too. But yes, not easy.

If you look around, you will see a lot of people fighting these battle. Maybe you are too. And it is okay to be in a need of help. Seek it. Just like I am trying to do that right now by pouring out my chaotic thoughts here. You might have a different way of doing it. Try it out. But the last thing you would want to do to a person with anxiety issues is trivializing the matter. If you don’t know what to say, don’t act like an expert. Rather find an expert who can help.

The good thing about people who are sailing in the same boat as mine is that they understand. They don’t demean anyone because they know how it feels. They don’t complain. They accept things. They don’t compare their misery with anyone. They won’t magnify their issue because they don’t seek sympathy. They seek help. They need help.

Yes, everyone feels anxious – job interviews, first dates. But anxiety attacks, or rather panic attacks, are something which has no reason. There are no explanations. It is just chaos which you can not embrace.

This was an attempt to feel better. I don’t know when will this post see the light of the day but I already feel a li’l more unattached from the feeling of not being understood.