Of Chaos, Anxiety and Panic Attacks.

It’s not a Monday. It’s Tuesday. Yet, I find it as difficult as a Monday morning to drag myself out of my bed to welcome the new day. Welcome? No, not really. My activity tracker says I have slept for six hours which is better than 73% of the people. But I am still tired. I somehow manage to pull myself together for my daily routines – out of which none of them demands heavy physical activity. I don’t take any caffeine to activate myself. I am good without it. I am sitting in my usual chair thinking about how my life is suddenly so mundane. But is this a sudden change? Or I let myself drown in the negativity which is omnipresent? Trying hard to bring all the good and positive things in my mind to drag through the day so that I can reach the best place – the night – as soon as I can, forgetting that time runs at the same pace, I suddenly feel my heart beat increasing. I have no control. I can feel blood rush up to my cheeks and my ears. I can sense my ears getting hotter. I suddenly have this urge to burst into tears. I am breathing heavily. I don’t have any control over this. My hands are sweaty. No, I don’t like sweat. What is happening to me?

Is it an anxiety attack? No. I was blank. I was not thinking about anything-anything to stress about. Is it a panic attack? I don’t know. 

This is not the story of just Tuesdays but all other days of my life. It happens at any time of the day. ANY TIME. And I am not enjoying them. I don’t like this space that is engulfing me in the darkness. But I feel so helpless. There is so much chaos in my head. People say I should reach out and talk to people. But I don’t know where should I start from. And even if I figure that out, I fear that I might just break down. Break down so bad that there is no looking back.

I don’t like these sudden attacks which make me feel like a completely vulnerable and dependent creature. I don’t like the struggle of dealing with these attacks alone. I don’t like to hide what I am going through. I don’t want to show that either. I just want them to stop.
Am I overthinking? Is it just a phase? Life is never a bed of roses, so should I just stay calm and let things fall into place? No. I have been doing all these for so long now that I have become too immune to them.

I somehow have this feeling that I am not alone. Of course, I am not. We all have our own sets of troubles which we don’t show. Some of us deal with them. Some of us can not. That doesn’t make anyone weak. To many, my life is perfect. To me, it is perfect too. But then, why am I too chaotic to control? Why do I have to pull off this drama?

Well, whoever said that having the possessions which give you the worldly pleasures are more important than mental peace, he/she was wrong at so many levels. If your life, at any point in time, makes you feel incomplete, you know you are going wrong somewhere.

I like to call anxiety chaos. There is too much to define and defend. Anxiety is everything but cute. Anxiety is not a phase. It surely ain’t okay. And I am done with making anyone understand that. The struggle is real. You are not talking to someone who is against you. You are talking to your own brain which is fundamentally you. The weird and chaotic feelings just don’t go away by saying “chill”. No, they don’t. 

Escaping everything seems like the best solution. But is it? Even during those escapes, the fear of being alone and paranoid breaks you from inside. Anxiety makes you do things or say things which you would never say or do.  Anxiety pushes you down into that never-ending pit of guilt. The guilt of not being strong enough to help yourself. But that is not true. Every step you take to make yourself feel comfortable, even if it fails, is the sign of you being strong.

It can be exhausting. It is indeed. It is demotivating. It is so demotivating that it effects you in everything you do. But you don’t feel like doing anything about it because nothing seems worth. And this battle of picking yourself up to motivate yourself is a battle that you have to fight with yourself.

I feel physically weak. I feel physically unattractive. And all of you who say that I am giving myself excuses to not to do anything by bringing up anxiety issues, I really have no words against you. I feel so demotivated that probably I will just believe you. I have lost the vigour to fight – fight to make anyone see what my mental battle is. 

Anxiety issues are never good for a relationship. It is a struggle to communicate your hows and whys to your other half.

It is hard to communicate with my other half and it makes my head act up. Sometimes, my attacks are triggered by him without him knowing. Or even without me knowing. I struggle with those fears of losing out on someone important because of something over which I don’t have control. I love him – for his patience and everything else. I know I can’t take him for granted. But I can not deal with my issues either. I can not justify my indifference or lack of emotions because there are no reasons. 

Finding a support system is difficult but not impossible. Family and friends are there. Reaching out to them is possible too. But yes, not easy.

I have a loving family. They are my happy place. But sometimes, even they can’t really connect with my odd behaviour. I am sorry for what my anxiety makes me do or say.  But I am being grateful for them being around. 

If you look around, you will see a lot of people fighting these battle. Maybe you are too. And it is okay to be in a need of help. Seek it. Just like I am trying to do that right now by pouring out my chaotic thoughts here. You might have a different way of doing it. Try it out. But the last thing you would want to do to a person with anxiety issues is trivializing the matter. If you don’t know what to say, don’t act like an expert. Rather find an expert who can help.

The good thing about people who are sailing in the same boat as mine is that they understand. They don’t demean anyone because they know how it feels. They don’t complain. They accept things. They don’t compare their misery with anyone. They won’t magnify their issue because they don’t seek sympathy. They seek help. They need help.

Yes, everyone feels anxious – job interviews, first dates. But anxiety attacks, or rather panic attacks, are something which has no reason. There are no explanations. It is just chaos which you can not embrace.

This was an attempt to feel better. I don’t know when will this post see the light of the day but I already feel a li’l more unattached from the feeling of not being understood. 

  1. I am sure you are not alone who is going through this, they are many who are going through the same including me. And that’s the worst moment of life when we can’t connect with anyone easily, and everyone feels awkward because of our weird behaviour. But nowadays I m trying to change myself, I vent out on TL on Twitter , randomly interact with a stranger on TL, so that I can feel little lighter,

  2. Anxiety attacks can be debilitating. And to outsiders looking in, it can seem hard to understand – especially when things look perfectly fine on the surface. Hope you find the support you need – a good doctor, medicines to manage it, and ways to cope. Sending good vibes your way! xx

  3. Anxiety and panic attacks are common, although they are not common.

    Anxiety wastes our time and we are unable to give our best at that time.

    And also very bad our for health.

    Coming to the solution: I know it is tough to ignore the panic attacks completely when they happen but one must try to ignore by giving his/her energy in positivity.

  4. I am glad you wrote this post, Sushmita.
    Because it will not only help someone understand what is Anxiety/Panic Attack but will also teach people to be more compassionate towards someone going through it.
    I am sorry you had to go through this. I hope you are feeling better now.
    Mayuri Nidigallu

  5. When you spoke about not taking your partner for granted, I think it goes both ways. I forgot to add above it takes a lot of courage to accept the flaws in the other and its a partnership 🙂 Trust, Time and Acceptance..

  6. Everyone has anxiety issues and a good way to deal with them is to write, paint, talk it out with an old friend or just go learn something new. There are people who do go for psychology workshops where they meet psychotherapists, there is one workshop on transactional analysis which helped me understand the ego states. A group therapy is a great way to learn, with all the chaos that feeds your mind a strong individual will be the one who can rise above all of this. Hence, communication is very important in any relationship.

  7. I know I am not on the side of experiencing it but I can see when someone who is really close to me go through this. I can see the tiredness in the eyes and voice and the struggle that's been going inside. I can see the difficulty of knowing to struggle to not fall for anything worse but still when someone cannot stop that. It's good to listen and hear things out at that time if I want to tell others who are with people who face this issue. It's a very important part of mental health that is not a mental problem. I think you are right that rather than being an expert ourselves we need to look for expert. Also I would like to mention that it's very important for one to know that for mistakes that others do they need not put them the reason for any mistake. I just heard someone saying today with an example that things can't be undone,so if you have made a lemonade that is too sour to have rather than taking small sips and let yourself go through it,one needs to think one step ahead and add some water and try to dilute it so you can have more better taste and feel content with what you did with your own thoughts. Thanks Sushmita for putting this thing up here. I hope this writing and sharing is surely sending positivity in some way. Sending good vibes 🙂

  8. Thanks for sharing. I also deal with anxiety, and find that writing helps. It's so important to share our stories so others know they aren't alone.

  9. Thank you for sharing your story. I struggle with anxiety as well, and went through a period in my life when I was having panic attacks almost every day. Writing can be so therapeutic, and I hope you are finding some sort of peace and healing. <3

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