Anxiety and Insecurity.

This box… 

Pretty and made of dreams
 from the outside,
keeping me trapped inside.
Confined emptiness is all I see.
My limbs are immobile,
my neck, strained. 
My head aches 
and wonders what keeps me inside 
a weak and small box. 
My heard pounds as I grasp for breath
and hope of freedom. 
Crushing all my rationality,
Crippling my practicality and
Breaking all of me
This box is called anxiety. 
Do you also find yourself doubting yourself all the time? Are you also convinced that things are never going to be right and feel like cribbing all the time WHEN you know that it is not required?

I don’t intend to talk about only anxiety and upsetting things, but this is the only way apparently when I feel a li’l relaxed. I don’t even know what I talk about but this is just an attempt to tell people if at all they stumble upon this blog, that probably they ain’t alone.

This post is just a page right out of my daily journal and can be a true reflection of my scattered thoughts! Damn, I miss being sorted!

Usually, people who are insecure in general tend to brag about their achievements because yes, they are certainly trying to convince themselves. And that is more of an inherent nature than anything else – like  I am an inherently a sad person. 

However, when you are having anxiety disorders, being insecure is a whole new story. 

I am not worried about convincing myself that I am doing good in life because I am not. I find myself cribbing about everything around me and that too when I know I am not supposed to. It’s like a critical inner voice always telling me to appreciate things and not appreciate the same things at the same time. 

Off lately, I see myself being very insecure about almost everything in life. It’s not just a general fear of losing my near and dear ones but also insecurity about everything – I feel insecure about my body in general, I feel insecure about leaving my parents behind in a different city, I feel insecure as a working professional. And these thoughts make me anxious constantly. I don’t know if my insecurities are a cause of my anxiety or it’s my anxiety which makes me insecure all the time. 

I find myself consumed by these thoughts forever and thus find myself not at all productive – in any aspect of life. 

There is someone inside my head always telling me that I am a failure and that keeps me from doing anything. I anticipate the outcome(me being a failure) and then refrain from working and putting any efforts in the task that I have in hand. Though I am lucky enough to be able to talk about these feelings and probably pretty strong too when it comes to evaluating the situation and telling myself not to give up, I really feel worried about the people who are facing the similar issues and their environment is as hostile as can be. 

I know something is terribly wrong with me because I am not the same person as I used to be. I have started to pull back myself from social events because what the hell, I am such a loser to hang out with anyone. I have lost all the confidence that I used to have. In the workplace, I tend to be driven by my own self-sabotaging thoughts of being not acknowledged or appreciated. In fact, I am always under some kind of invisible pressure coming from an unknown source. 

I dwell on to the past a lot. I let my past experiences rule my present so much that I have literally closed the doors for any new experience to leave a good thing to look back to in the future. Or maybe, I just don’t want to get over the sad things of life. 

The only thing I am doing right now is to deliberately fight the inner voice that pulls me down. It is an emotional battle but I hope to get over it soon. If there is any other way to combat the insecurities, please let me know. 


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