From the Diary of a Monogamist

Life is very difficult for us. Yes. And what makes it more difficult? Self-realization and still not able to achieve self-actualization. 

I must be the last person who should ever write about relationships. But then again, I do have some say in this wide universe. No? 
I am yet to identify if I am monogamist but twenty-five years into living and having dated just a single guy, I am just forcing myself to believe that maybe I am. Why am I doing it? Because the concept of “casual dating” seems like rocket science to me. Let me come back to it in the later part of the post. 
So yes, monogamy. If you search for the literal meaning of a monogamist, it loosely means a person who believes in the concept of ideal love which happens to last forever. Naive, huh? Sadly, the definition makes me a great member of this community. And trust me, no matter how much I evolve and learn to be practical, a part of me will always believe in the fairy tale. Having said that, I am not denying the fact that this way of life is perhaps the most unhealthy thing that can be offered to the heart and to the mind. 
Life is tough for a monogamist. If you are one, you can not remember the last time you were single. Real or imaginary, you would have always committed yourself to someone which seemed like “the one”. 
And this tendency of being a monogamist extends to different areas of life for you. For example, you always have had only one friend to confide into different stages of life. There is a circle of friends which is still not a circle- circle. 
Even a by-the-way hook up can turn out to be a serious relationship for you. Because everything is just LOVE for you. I came across this one while knowing other monogamists. Well, serial monogamists!
And finally, for a monogamist, casual dating doesn’t exist because it is way too exhausting. So here are my apprehensions about casual dating. More than apprehensions, they are frustrating facts. 
  1. There are just too many doubts about every li’l thing. How the date is going to end? Should you be the one texting first the next day? Is cuddling just appropriate?
  2.  You are not knowing where it might go, so you just can’t talk about him/her to your friends. It gets frustrating. Yes, it does. 
  3. From a monogamist’s point of view, you just can not stop yourself from thinking this to be the love that is going to last forever. And eventually, you can not stop yourself from talking about the future. Resisting it is pretty hard. Yes, it is.
  4. Even if you would want to be casual about it, the feeling is just rebellious somehow.
  5. The last one. This one is the most frustrating one for me. The rest might not apply completely. But this one is just preposterous. The idea of dating someone and seeing other people at the same time is something which I can never comprehend. I might not do it – seeing other people think – but the unsaid agreement allows the other person to see other people. And this thing, exactly this thing, repels me – the non-exclusivity of your existence. 
This state of mind is just too juggling. Monogamy doesn’t seem like a perfect thing. But then again, there are certain things which are just hopeless – love and your belief in love! 
Author’s Note
While writing this note, I went through the entire post again and I have never felt more confused in my life. After having indulged into monogamy for so long, now that I have to move ahead, I realize that how screwed up some things are! Being too serious or being too casual is definitely not a way of life. But then again, moving on comes with such consequences!

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