I have been looking for words for many days now to express the uneasiness of my heart and the restlessness of my mind. My head tells me that I am fine, I am doing good and probably I will do good. But my heart knows that it is not true.
I might have stopped complaining. I might have pretended to like everything around. But is that the case? Can we ever get over the feelings that are instigated in us since the beginning of time or get rid of our inherent characteristics?
I have always been a person driven by emotions. Even though I try to be rational and smart, I often end up following my heart. My heart tends to dwell a lot on my past. A past full of hardships and ill-luck. Yes, even so, many years down the line, I am still not in the position to accept that whatever happens, happens for the good. I know that it is more of a pessimist’s approach, but hello, when exactly had I been an optimist? But somehow, I keep things behind, try a li’l harder each time I fall and get things which I deserve (not desire). But time and again, life has confronted me with the fact that no matter what, things have to screw up! And I am so sure that I am not the only one struggling to accept such confrontations by the all-time karmic bitch called life.
These situations often make me sad. And the sadness is often unbearable. But what can be done to deal with such situations? When you see your life’s dedication and hard work going to the dumps, what exactly is someone supposed to do? I don’t even feel like talking about it to people, for all these years all that I have seen is people belittling people’s problem to draw some pleasure of which I am still unaware of.
Sometime or the other, we all have witnessed that phase of life when understanding people seems like an impossible task. I get attached to people way too soon to get over any heart breaks that might follow. The definition of “friends” change when you advance through the different phases of life. In school, you make friends. In college, you meet good people with whom you really want to stay in touch. And later on in life, you meet multifaceted monsters. Why am I describing people? Because I have given up on keeping up with any further human contacts for a long time to come. I have literally and figuratively stopped putting in any efforts to make people stay in my life. I fail to understand how can some people have a different face of every other person in their life.
But this is a vicious cycle. You ignore people, they ignore you in return and then when you feel like talking to someone, you might end up having no one around. But things can really not work that way. You cannot be mean. But people be mean to you in this sense every now and then. Do you really react? I try to but then I become a bad person in my head and I refrain from doing so. I feel sad for having such mean people in my life. They have literally pushed me away from the good people because I have lost faith in all kind of human contact. Putting in my heart and soul in relationships for months and years to nurture them have turned out to be too futile. Having said that, I never meant that I keep relationships in my life to encash them.
Some people have always meant too much for me. So much that I have kept them above everything else in my life. Sounds grave and attention-seeking, but that has not helped me in any way.
All I am doing right now is dealing with a phase in my life where nothing seems to fall in place, where nothing seems to be helpful, where no one understands the gravity of my sadness and I really don’t wish anyone should. All I need right now is some time to be able to come up with more strength to be okay again. I am, to a certain extent, looking forward to starting afresh, but if only wishes were horses!
I really hope that writing about it took out a major amount of negativity out of my system.